Thoughts for the New Year

Jonas is growing up. Yup. I know. Surprising isn't it? I have a little boy now for sure and not a baby. Along with the new joys....new words, new physical changes, the need for hair-cuts and teeth-brushing, come new challenges. New challenges that sometimes I find myself hesitant to face. This New Year's Eve Jason and I had the wonderful opportunity to be together....alone....we sat by the fire at the lake house for about 3 hours talking about this past year and our goals, hopes and dreams for the new one. It was a very special time for us. Time that we needed and time that really help put my heart in the right place as January 2010 rolled in upon us. We talked about our marriage, friendships, church-involvement, the job search, family goals, travel, spiritual and devotional goals, our attitudes, our expectations, and of course: our role as parents of this up-and-coming little man in our family. We want to be good parents as most people do, but we really, now that discipline is a very relevant issue, really want to be consistent and effective: spanking and slapping hands and mouths and all of that really isn't what I want to do....I don't feel a peace about it. I think there are better, more effective ways of disciplining....you don't need to hit your child to let them know that you disapprove of their choices or attitudes. But during and after temper tantrums , something certainly needs to be done...one friend of mine suggested time-outs, which we will try...and then there is always the good-old-fashioned, "talk"...something that my parents were good at: take the time to talk to your child about what they did wrong...and even at this age, where they don't have the vocabulary to defend themselves, it is a good habit to let them know that you care enough to talk about it and take your time to help them work on their behavior. However, sometimes it seems that spanking and slapping would simply be the easiest...short and quick....the child does something wrong, then, as a result, feels pain, so associates the wrong behavior with the pain and doesn't like it; so...they are less likely to do it again. However, I really want Jonas to learn to trust us and our judgments not because we will spank him if he doesn't...but because there will be consequences, direct consequences from his actions...I just am wrestling with what those consequences will be...We have a unique role as parents because obviously we shouldn't say "he won't be spanked when he grows up, when he gets a job and makes a mistake, when he is in an adult relationship and makes a mistake...when he gets mad at someone in front of him so he tailgates and then rear-ends them because he losses control, so we shouldn't spank now" But he won't have a time out or get cartoons taken away either!!!....those events in his life will have their own consequences...huge consequences, expensive and heart-breaking consequences....but what do we do NOW??...when he refuses to put on his coat, when he throws food on the floor, when he pulls Selina's tail, when he puts things in his mouth that he could choke on...no one would say, "Just let him choke, that will teach him", or " Just let Selina bite him, that oughta do it" or "Let him go out without a coat on when it's below zero, he'll learn soon enough, " or "Just leave the food on the floor and eventually the house will smell so bad from all of the cheese and jelly and grossness on the floor that he'll repent of his ways and see the light." NO !!! That is absurd! We as parents, must in many circumstances come up with artificial consequences, ones that he can understand in light of his actions ...and they don't naturally correlate: when you pull a cat's tail, no large magic hand is going to appear from and sky and spank you, when you put small wooden circles in your mouth and then run around, no natural law dictates that a room will suddenly engulf you and plop you in a corner for 15 minutes to give you time to think about your wrong-doing....no....you get bit and end up in the clinic with a red line up your arm, or you stop breathing and in the emergency room where the toy can be removed....but our kids don't know those real dangers, and we want to save them from them while still teaching them not to do it again...God has placed us in their lives to protect them but also teach them, and then to be there when the worst happens and everything in between. But we need his wisdom when it comes to discipline and creating those "artificial" consequences...though not artificial in their sincerity, simply artificial in that they protect our children from the real consequence or present one when there wouldn't be one... like in dealing with other children....just because a child doesn't push back after your child pushed her down doesn't mean your child isn't wrong...they are, so when kids don't push back, we need to, not literally, but in some way...and for years to come. So that's where I'm at...in prayer, and not alone, I am sure...as we all, as parents of any age children should be...on our knees looking to the Perfect Father for guidance and patience for those temper-tantrums, sticky floors and frazzled cats, but also guidance and patience when our kids crash the car or overdraw their account or don't live their life how we think that they should.
I know parenting is a journey, and one that always changes as we change and as our children grow and change. I am so thankful for a husband who loves and is committed to Jonas and me and most-assuredly for a God who is there, giving more and more grace in all circumstances. It never ends: our need and His supply. Welcome 2010!!